Conjuring a reunion which will probably never happen

the setting was in some hostel near the beach and a cool place for scuba diving. I had been mingling well with the other guests and locals, and i was happy.

One day, you came in with dive gear and checked into the exact same hostel. You were chatting with some friendly dude in the lounge area when i entered the room while holding an engaging conversation with my friend, when our eyes came in contact and i froze mid-sentence. the friendly dude waved an excited hi and despite the blank state of mind the body moved forward to greet everyone. We pretended we never knew each other, but i could see the look of shock in your eyes. I felt it too. It was awkward, and i made an excuse to leave.

I honestly do not know what will i do when I see you again. I want to run away, because i am not brave enough to face his rejection once again. yet i desperately want a closure, and to get a proper explanation why did he chose to treat me this way.

i will probably discretely invite him to have a private chat, on the beach. i need to tell him this: i wished i knew what went wrong between us. i thought we were friends when suddenly it seemed like you want to cut me off completely. was it something i had done, or did anything happened on your side? 

did you hate meeting me so much?

i’m sorry i made you so uncomfortable that you feel the need to run away. i’m sorry. 

i dont know how you will react. I hope that you will hug me and apologise too. but i think it is more likely that you will turn away, not meeting me in the eye, and then walk away with a lousy excuse.

i think you will break my heart again. even in my imagination you can still make me cry.

Be kind, rewind 

Trying to replay our times together to pinpoint when exactly did it went wrong and it’s driving me insane because I don’t want to remember and miss you constantly – I want you here right beside me and in my future memories.

I don’t want to remember you

I hear you in the songs we used to play

I smell you when Chanel was on display

I taste you in seafood you so hate

I see you in pictures we used to take

I can almost feel you with each clench my heart makes.

I don’t want to remember you and our past; I want to touch you and to have you next to me again, in present time.

How sadness can manifest

Once I was out hiking alone when I cried so much with my contacts on that my vision got cloudy. Because of lack of chance to clean them I spent the entire day struggling to make sense with blurry sight and it was scary when it got dark and I just wanna go home.

It felt like that when you left me too. 

Helpless to make things right again and trying desperately to survive amidst the sense of lost and confusion. The thought of never seeing you again frightened me and I would beg to be guided back to you again.