The hardest part of being a dumper

I had only been in two serious relationships, and in both I was the one who initiated the break.

For the first r/s, I fell out of love. He wasn’t mean or bad to me or anything, in fact as a person he is nice and filial and was very sweet and accommodating to me… It’s just not what I’m looking for in a partner. We were in an amber state for a while, him trying to sustain a romance while I was reluctant to let go of a good friend.

Fallen out of love doesn’t mean I don’t care for him – how can I summon the courage to stab him and make a clean break? It had happened to others before, where love reignite and they emerge stronger than before, so why not us?

However, I do know that it is not fair to him to keep stringing him along when I cannot and will not promise him a future together. There wasn’t a doubt that I need to move on, so while the process of getting over was tough, having belief in my decision gave me strength to carry on.

The most recent one, with Kirill, wasn’t as straight forward. During the ldr, I felt maybe I was underappreciated, and my self inflicted conflict caused me a certain amount of unhappiness. But I still look forward to talking to him everyday, I still want to tell him I love him because I believed in those words, I still want to make myself better to impress him when I see him again. The reason I broke up was over having kids, because it’s something we both can’t compromise not now nor in the future. Logically, this IS a valid reason to break things now rather than later when there’s more emotional and financial investments. Irrationally, it felt like the worst decision and biggest regret I ever had – I’m willing to give up a lot of things to take my words back. I’m unhappy in the relationship, and hell lot worse out of it. The unanswered question most killing me: “is love enough reason not to break up?”

The hardest part of being a dumper is that when the partner hadn’t done anything wrong – for example physical or mental abuse – there isn’t any strong, immediate reason to leave… He hadn’t fulfill the minimum of what I feel a boyfriend should do cause a lot of uncertainty, making me question, am I demanding too much? Am I being greedy? Was I not a good enough girlfriend or did I not convey myself properly? Is it my fault?

In a way, I feel obligated to stay – my partner had invested time and money and love and while I truly appreciate everything he had done for me, a relationship isn’t just about what he had to give but it’s more of an overall thing and whether was I ready to accept it at the point of time. It is not that he is not good enough, it is just not what I want for the long term. But rejecting him felt like an overwhelming debt that I can never repay back, and that makes me feel like I’m a bad person.

I feel responsible and guilty for breaking his heart when I initiated a break up, and because of the above the reasons will sound lame – unhappiness is something no one can effectively quantify – and there will be resistance. Fighting for change requires more courage than fighting for status quo in this instance, and I need to stay firm in my resolute.

Another thing is that it is a corrupting power to have the knowledge that he will take me back in a heartbeat, but it is precisely that makes it harder to stay away for the better good of us. I had to be the one being cruel and actively push him away even though I myself am weak and aching.

At the very very least, the person being dumped, with his choices forcibly removed, had no way to go but up. As a dumper, I had to make a conscious effort to stay convinced in my decision, while dealing with doubts if I’m doing the right thing and the fact that I missed the relationship like hell. I’m not relieved it’s over, I’m grieving for the loss too.

Love songs always sing about getting the heart broken, or the “I don’t need you anyway” empowering lyrics – that I can’t wholly relate. It feel so isolating… because the reasons ain’t conventionally legitimate and I feel like a heartless bitch when I hear myself articulating them out loud – I still believe in their validity, but it’s hard to seek understanding from others – and it is even harder to be feeling alone when still raw and extremely vulnerable from being freshly single again.

I’m not undermining the pain of the man I left behind, in fact this is NOT a competition between who is hurting more. I guess I’m trying to justify to myself that maybe there is nothing fundamentally wrong with me – it’s okay when relationships don’t work out, it’s okay when I got out when I feel I should. I acknowledge that I suffer from psychological damage and I got emotional burdens from which affects how I view the world, and it’s should be okay too.

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