Opinion on life

Every family issue just make me more convinced that having kids is a bad idea. Today’s drama involved some shouting and slamming of door and my poor mother just had to endure it all. I asked her later if she ever regretted giving birth to children she didn’t answer directly but she had accepted the fact that she is a mother, with a tone of resignation. I’m not sure if she wanted to give birth before she did but I know for a fact there was tremendous pressure from my father to have children. I think it’s not fair that the person who wanted kids more didn’t have to deal with the ugly parts of having children.

If the idea of having kids to derive joy from parenting, then isn’t it sublimation where one get to fulfill desire through socially legitimate means? I don’t think I will ever meet anyone who doesn’t get frustrated with life, so to bring another human to earth to suffer for own pleasure the ultimate form of selfishness? I’m nt sure how my father fits into this theory though. He don’t seem to be very happy with his role of a father, nor find love in his offspring. From my very biased view he just seemed to like the idea of having kids to mould into his own definition of success so he can show off to the rest.

Idk, having kids is a lifelong responsibility and I never want to ever reach that stage in life where the daily ritual is take wake up take care of kids work take care of kids sleep repeat with no me time in between. I’m sure people derive joy from their children but to me that sound quite like a loss of freedom, to constantly put the needs of others before myself. There’s an emphasis on “needs” because having children is not all delight and fun but also the unpleasant stuff like changing diapers losing sleep to pacify them in the middle of night etc. I guess in order for me to consider having children I must have a certain level of financial security, or at least the ability to hire help when things get overwhelming.

I myself had many times wished to be never be born into this family, this era, this life, even though my physical living conditions are quite decent and I don’t have to worry about necessities. Do I sound ungrateful and whiny? Yes. But are my emotions valid? Yes too. However it is a very useless wish, because nothing will ever come out of that – I strongly believe in the obligation to keep myself alive and functioning as a “normal” human being, so I will hopefully never try to take my own life, this is a promise. I’ll make the most out of this wretched existence, and I’ll struggle to fulfill my heart wishes even when happiness is never a guarantee. Having said that though, I wish death will come early for me, maybe around 60s? Preferably in a painless and swift manner. Sometimes it’s really hard to see the point in living, being so insignificant. I mean I am as unique as a snowflake but when it’s snowing ice storm no one will ever see the specialness of one anyway.

Maybe others will rightfully call my views extreme and pessimistic but from my perspective it just seemed like everyone else is in a bubble and happily floating along and I just keep bursting mine (even though I truly hope to join them in the delusion too). I know that ignorance isn’t bliss but when there’s no way out of it then I would honestly rather to have a false sense of easier reality that I can manage better with.

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