“What’s your definition of ideal relationship right now?”

“Right now?

I’m still licking my wounds I guess. I’m in a place where commitment scares the shit out of me because the idea of reciprocating someone’s feelings of and expectations from me is extremely repulsive.

My emotional state is too delicate for me to even consider causal flings. I’m afraid not only will I NOT have fun with someone who do not care about me, it will have a counter effect of me missing my sweetest Kirill that much more. I don’t wish to deal with that.

Frankly speaking friends with benefits sounds the least evil right now. Wait, that label is a bit misleading. Yup, “friends who make out occasionally” would fit better, especially since I’m not ready for a new sex partner yet. No drama, no commitment, no implications. It’s ideal because I get my physical needs satisfied without going through all that heartache rubbish, theoretically speaking.

Of course I’m referring to someone in mind. I think I hope that he could be the one to rescue me from this emotional trap, but surprisingly this time I recognize that he is another black hole I cannot deal with adequately and my guards are still up against him. It’s a matter of time before I fall in, but that’s for another story.

My most important relationship right now is to nurture the one i’d established with myself. I need to relearn that I am my own individual first, regardless of existence of a significant other. To no longer let loneliness control me; to feel sufficient in my own being. That I am the heroine of my own story.

Still, it’s a nice fantasy to imagine that I will be saved eventually.”


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