And I’m feeling OK.
I think i won’t be hurt by you anymore
Conjuring a reunion which will probably never happen
the setting was in some hostel near the beach and a cool place for scuba diving. I had been mingling well with the other guests and locals, and i was happy.
One day, you came in with dive gear and checked into the exact same hostel. You were chatting with some friendly dude in the lounge area when i entered the room while holding an engaging conversation with my friend, when our eyes came in contact and i froze mid-sentence. the friendly dude waved an excited hi and despite the blank state of mind the body moved forward to greet everyone. We pretended we never knew each other, but i could see the look of shock in your eyes. I felt it too. It was awkward, and i made an excuse to leave.
I honestly do not know what will i do when I see you again. I want to run away, because i am not brave enough to face his rejection once again. yet i desperately want a closure, and to get a proper explanation why did he chose to treat me this way.
i will probably discretely invite him to have a private chat, on the beach. i need to tell him this: i wished i knew what went wrong between us. i thought we were friends when suddenly it seemed like you want to cut me off completely. was it something i had done, or did anything happened on your side?
did you hate meeting me so much?
i’m sorry i made you so uncomfortable that you feel the need to run away. i’m sorry.
i dont know how you will react. I hope that you will hug me and apologise too. but i think it is more likely that you will turn away, not meeting me in the eye, and then walk away with a lousy excuse.
i think you will break my heart again. even in my imagination you can still make me cry.
Keep swiping left
Until I read instructions to swipe right upon “sense of humor and adventure”.
Desperately hoping to connect with you again.
Be kind, rewind
Trying to replay our times together to pinpoint when exactly did it went wrong and it’s driving me insane because I don’t want to remember and miss you constantly – I want you here right beside me and in my future memories.
I don’t want to remember you
I hear you in the songs we used to play
I smell you when Chanel was on display
I taste you in seafood you so hate
I see you in pictures we used to take
I can almost feel you with each clench my heart makes.
I don’t want to remember you and our past; I want to touch you and to have you next to me again, in present time.
How sadness can manifest
Once I was out hiking alone when I cried so much with my contacts on that my vision got cloudy. Because of lack of chance to clean them I spent the entire day struggling to make sense with blurry sight and it was scary when it got dark and I just wanna go home.
It felt like that when you left me too.
Helpless to make things right again and trying desperately to survive amidst the sense of lost and confusion. The thought of never seeing you again frightened me and I would beg to be guided back to you again.
It’s not that easy
The thing about depression is that
Sadness come in waves
Devastating as tsunami
Leaky nose and spilled tears
Just to keep from drowning
To let it go, go out, and start again.
“Why did you disappear?”
“The thing is, you probably never cared for me at all.
You asked me why did I still like you. I stared at you for a long while and I couldn’t come up with an answer, because even you were well aware that you didn’t treat me right.
You don’t celebrate my triumphs; not when I got my driving license nor when I pulled myself to second upper. I no longer want to tell you of my troubles, because you made them sound so insignificant, as if my feelings were invalid. You’re not interested in my stories of people who had made an impact on me; only in those that featured you as a lead character, be it a hero or a villain, as long as I make you sound like you had influence over my life. I just feel as if… I’m just part of your personal statistics of women who were intoxicated with the idea of you.
But then you moved on to mock the person I used to be, and confessed that you only texted me when you’re bored back then. It killed the young girl who naively thought that there was at least some redeeming qualities about herself that she had that she bartered for a friendship with you. And I think she was the one who had those feelings for you, so along with her death I am free from the illusion of loving you.
When I despairingly sighed that I am a sucker for you, you were pleased and replied “well, that’s good for me”. If it was someone else I think a true friend would warn me to stay the hell away from such a jerk, but with your vested interests you rather let me self-destruct than to keep me a safe distance away.
I always knew that nothing good will come out of hoping you’ll change for me, but now there’s nothing to keep me from leaving.”
I don’t think I mattered enough for you to question my disappearance, so I held an imaginary conversation with you in an alternative world where I pretended that you cared enough to ask.
Goodbye
For the longest time I didn’t know what I wanted from you. I guess I was hoping maybe one day you’ll realise that I’m a great person you’ll want to date, or was it our friendship that I cherished, or simply that you were a model of what I wanted to grow up to be.
I asked you what you liked about me, and you said there’s nothing that you not like about me; apparently I wasn’t clingy or naggy or whatever that turns you off. In your answer, I found mine:
I don’t want anything from you anymore. You will never treat me the way I deserve to be treated, because you’re too selfish to consider my feelings. We are no longer friends because I no longer trust to be vulnerable with you. And i never want to be someone like you, a person who don’t see people as people but merely as temporary beings. All you wanted was a pet dog in an attractive female human form, and I respect myself too much to degrade to that.
You don’t know how to love people, and from the day you broke my heart I no longer have that in me to show and teach you.
I wish I can tell you these
I wish I can tell you that I don’t need anything from you – not your money nor your commitment – but for you to stay. I wish I had told you earlier how much you meant to me. I wish I can tell you I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.
心灰 